Quelqu'un m'aide s'il vous plaît20:49 Nov 11 2005
Times Read: 944
********DISCLAIMER********
Before reading this, allow me one rant at the general populace-if you see a word you do not recognize-LOOK IT UP- do NOT leave childish remarks about what you think the word means, thinking you are going to get a laugh-all you'll get is a pissed off redhead-
********END NOTE********
It has all been just too much...too many mental and emotional overloads in one week, and my poor head and heart have just been over taxed to the limit. We're not talking depression here, it is more along the lines of what my roommate (yes THAT one) affectionately calls my "vortex of weird" kicking in at a high rate of speed....and for 3 days, I have felt like the proverbial sea wall in a hurricane....and I just need something or someone to shore me up before I collapse completely and disappoint a lot of people who depend on me...but when the rock in everybody's life starts to slide in the mud, who props me up? who keeps me from disappearing into the storm? *sigh*
Tuesday...we all have friends, both here, on other sites, in life, people that come and go, people that stay, people who affect us daily...I have such a friend, a friend whom I met on another site (yes, one of THOSE sites...lol). Brian and I SOO got off on the wrong foot when we first met-he responded to my hello with a sarcastic rejoinder about something in my profile, I told him he was a sawed off little pischer with condescension to spare, and that as they say was that....then we apologized, started over, and hence began one of the strangest of my computer friendships...he is indeed short-but then again, at 5'10", to me just about EVERYBODY is short...while we meshed on a much more intellectual level than sexual, things being more platonic then flirtatious, we shared a love of such things as books and music, good wine and love for brewing, of peace and serenity in a singular environment. We both recognized that while we got along well together sometimes we were better apart, and we found comfort and peace in being both solitary and yet connected. It's like having a friend in high school that likes exactly the same things you do, but you don't have to talk every single day to know you have that person in your life. And we drifted like that for months, occasionally IM'ing, mostly not, e-mailing to check on each other, but always knowing in the back of your mind that they were there...Tuesday things went wonky...it was the wee hours of the morning, we had been talking about Midwest wineries and such, he was enjoying a glass of port, I had a glass of merlot, all things in heaven and earth were exactly where they were supposed to be and suddenly I am being asked if I would agree to help him take pictures, pictures of him and another man, would I join in, did I know someone because he was nervous about the whole thing, and he trusted my judgement...to say I was blindsided would be the understatement of the year. I NEVER would have thought he thought of me in any way sexual, because he is well, rather attractive, and well, I am not...lol..*insert self deprecating laugh here* but the fact that he sought me both for succor, support, and protection, PLUS he felt comfortable in this experiment as long as he knew I was there, just absolutely threw me for a loop-back to that friend in high school? it's like having that same friend on the night you graduate tell you he/she has been in love with you all along, and you never had a clue...I was off kilter for the entirety of Wednesday night at work, which some of you poor wee folk here were well aware of, and I simply could not be still...to sit still was to think, and to think was to invite madness.....
Wednesday.....as many of you know, I have been in what I consider an intolerable situation where my marriage, home life and work life are concerned-one could always be counted on to be a refuge from the other, and now neither are a refuge at all...I no longer am consulted in decisions where the household is concerned, my husband talks to my roommate, and I get everything third hand-I have had to retain a lawyer in order to put a stop to the harrassement that my stepmother has indulged herself in at my expense since my father passed away almost two years ago, and I am loathe to even discuss how frustrated I am with the roommate who seems to think that I have "free ride for you" tattooed on my ass somewhere...I quit paying her when she decided that sleeping all day, putting the dishes in the dishwasher, and playing on her computer all day constituted her work day-she simply went over my head *CAN you get athelete's scalp?* to my husband, and things stay the same...whatever work needs doing I do, along with getting my son to school in the morning and working at night-in order to sleep I have to swallow doses of shit the average doctor would go into screaming fits over, and yet most of the time I don't, because I would never be able to get up in the morning to do all the stuff I have to do without being seriously compromised in the function department...the condescension I get from these two make me wonder if waiting till the beginning of next year is the best thing for everyone involved, or just the slowest form of suicide I have ever seen...and me telling people that suicide is the worse form of cowardice-what kind of hypocrite does that make me? Again, the ones I talked to on line that night were fully aware of the fact that my vortex was rapidly spinning off it's axis, and I was hanging it all together with barbed wire and spit...and not much left of either...
Thursday....as in some of my other entries, I have well and fully admitted to the fact that I believe myself to have a certain empathic ability, and as a bartender that has served me well over the years, giving me both the chance to help people and the chance to know things that have netted me decent tips over the years...we had another funeral gathering in the hotel last night, and true to form, they gathered in the bar around 10, filling the place up, and giving me a run for my money after I virtually sat on my ass most of the night for lack of business...the guys were handsome and lively under the circumstances, much fun to be around and joke with, their wives and g/f's equally charming and sociable...the woman who died was their mother, and she was an alcoholic, but who had passed on with few other regrets that I could feel...I was checking on these lovely people when I turned around, and came face to face with a void...this woman was the eldest daughter of the woman, and if ever there was an unawakened psi vampire, this was her. She stood there, I asked her if I could get her anything, she haltingly started talking, and I told her no problems, I had all night, not to worry..she said no, she couldn't find the word, she had been in a coma and had just gotten out of the hospital and still was trying to regain her vocabulary skills. She also said she had been in AA for 26 years, and shouldn't be drinking, but she REALLY wanted......it was....I don't know the word...she finally told me she wanted a vodka and sprite, and she wanted it now...it had grown very quiet amongst the other family members, as if they waited to see just how bad this would get...I reached up and put my hands on her upper arms, and light, sound, speech everything disappeared from me as if it had been sucked into the void...I looked into that woman's eyes, and what life I saw left for her was totally devoid of anything...it was the hollowest, emptiest feeling I have ever had the displeasure of experiencing, and I never want to ever see that in my life again...physically she looked like a cross between Linda Lavin and Gilda Radnor (again, look it up), and I saw skin that had the translucency of fine porcelan, but which had been irrevocably stained, eyes that were more like empty graves than the windows to the soul, and I wanted to throw up just so I could feel something. Bearing in mind of course that all this took place in the briefest of seconds, and then I pulled my hands off her and it was over....I walked behind the bar, poured her a plain sprite, and told her I would not contribute in any way to what I saw in her eyes...her family as a unit heaved a quiet sigh, and the conversation went back to it's boisterous level of a few minutes ago, and they eventually paid their tab, tipped me well, and went to their respective rooms....
it is now Friday, as some of you know (since I have thrown sparkly shit at most of you...lol) the day was good, and I was good as long as I was amongst the living...now I find myself in the house, no one is about but the cats, it's cool and the noise of the occasional car outside, and I find myself afraid to venture anywhere without turning lights on first....the dark is real and it has claws....and I find myself yearning for the comfort of the arms of he who is my soul, who loves me and cherishes me, and lives beyond the boundaries of my country in a land far away...but whose sheer strength of love and warmth for me gives me the strength I need to carry on beyond the dark corners...and I have my friends who need me, and the attention they require is sufficient to keep my mind off the shifting mists like old torn lace....
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